If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
