I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
