i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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