3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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