please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
