is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
