sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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