On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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