Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
