Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
