if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
