remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
