got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
