i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
