Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
