The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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