if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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