please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
