you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
