This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
