Jerry, you need to find god
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
