Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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