Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Jerry, you need to find god
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wish i was in the wii world.
worst night to have a conscience
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
