So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
