so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
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i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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