haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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