Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
