Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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