Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
