You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
