I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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