I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
