It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
