$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
