last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize