Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Randomize
