just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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