I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
