The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
