Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
