I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
