Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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