he shaved USA in his pubs
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
