i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
