You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
