hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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