someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
