I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
