i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
