I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
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He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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