quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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