Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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