: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My bed smells like the plague
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
