he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize