Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
