Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
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I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
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We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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